*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I hope this email punches you square in the face
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.