twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Born to be mild.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”