Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand