I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
You Might Also Like
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Siri: Retweet me.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
car not found
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me