*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.