There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
i actually laughed 😩
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
one last job
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.