First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
plant them where lol
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.