*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
*orders delivery*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please