Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
barbara was highly relatable
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”