I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
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Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
😆this is so true
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off