Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
✌🏽
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I feel seen