Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
You Might Also Like
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.