Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
selfie game