This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
me, after any kind of buffet.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped