Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
You Might Also Like
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.