Me if I was a dog
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I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.