It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
SCARY COSTUME
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Succinctly put.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria