my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything