I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him