You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.