There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.