I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
my sentiments exactly
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I have a black belt in leather
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.