American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Duolingo getting serious.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh