I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.