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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”