H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
You Might Also Like
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Not today. 😅
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings