“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Shoo shoo! 😂
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.