dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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incredible text to wake up to
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u