[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
You Might Also Like
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.