I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
#NoRestForTheWicked
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else