Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass