How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
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Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I have two kinds of followers
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…