Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.