“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
You can鈥檛 tell me there鈥檚 anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
A man of commitment.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I wish I could veto my bills.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!馃槀馃槶馃槶
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Turns down music in car: I鈥檝e never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic鈥檚.
Friend: That鈥檚 my stomach.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who鈥檚 asking me to cook again.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Cartoons made it seem like I鈥檇 be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it鈥檚 only happened to me three times.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather