I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
.. do you even science?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket