Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.