Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
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My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”