saw this in a dream
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.