I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I came this close!!!!
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.