This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Spring cleaning checklist…
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.