I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I think I’ll stand
man i love columbo
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
You wish you had this many chins.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.