If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude