I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg