I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals