How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
nobody’s gonna understand
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans