[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Just this preview of the story is enough
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh