My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
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[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.