“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Effort made
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
#polloftheday
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.