When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Worth the read.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.