Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
ouch
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.